Wednesday, February 2

Elvis Christ

Our very own velvet Elvis arrived today and now occupies a place of honor over the TV, providing spiritual guidance to our $8 Sonny Chiba career retrospective boxed set--with about 50 hours of chop-socky and dark charisma, a must have for the old fallout shelter. Yes, folks, hand-painted on real purple velvet. I briefly belonged to a band called Elvis Christ and the Beatles in college--one original song: "Because I'm a Slut," with the prophetic line, "I'm the president of the United States / Because I'm a slut!"--so the thing holds special nostalgic meaning for me.

This is why we work seven days a week, 12 hours a day: so we can belong to the Velvet Elvis ownership society and get lots of cold calls from "investment advisers" that are actually sales motherfuckers who just wanna throw your retirement savings into a wrap account and churn the hell out of it 'til it's all gone ...

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